Health Article

Gee, yesterday was a real fun day! I spent the day playing round, after round, of my most favourite game! Yes folks, it was another day of "Lola-Loser-Big-Fat-Failure"

It's a fairly simple game to play, all you need is an entire day at your disposal, and an overactive imagination. Oh yes, and of course a good grasp of the words "Guilt" and "Self-Critical".

Now, the aim of the game is to make yourself feel as bad as possible about every single area of your "life", and then, for more advanced players, in the entire world. The more ridiculous the scenario, the higher you score. Situations which are clearly beyond your control score double, and there are bonus points for players who recognise this inability to control, and blame themselves for being ridiculous. If you have an eating disorder, this is an excellent opportunity to dwell on it, and to make use of those maladaptive coping mechanisms. Possibly alternating between depriving yourself of food, and then fantasising about emptying the contents of the refrigerator into your gullet. Of course, this is doubly effective if you are attempting recovery, and can blame yourself for having thoughts of an eating disordered nature. Gosh, you're two faced aren't you?

Key Points to remember:

Blame. Blame, Blame. It is all your fault, oh yes. You're Horrible, you are!
Guilt, guilt, guilt. You are a nasty person, responsible for soooo much pain.
No crying allowed. You do not deserve to cry. You are scum.
Anxiety: Butterflies in the stomach and tensing muscles are definitely important.
Do not ask for help: You do not deserve to talk about your feelings. That is needy behaviour.
Dwell on past mistakes: This is particularly good if you have made quite a few in the recent past.

THE WARM UP:

If you run out of ideas and scenarios, here are a few classic topics that you should not overlook:

1. Money - Spending too much - you have been decadent recently, not spending enough and being mean, not earning enough to give your loved ones what they deserve, being too well off - how dare you have money when so many others are struggling?
2. Friends and Family - Oh, a positive festival of worry and guilt available to you here. Obviously do not overlook the obvious reasons you should blame yourself - failure, dependency, selfishness etc. But get creative! They haven't phoned you recently. Maybe they are dead? Or dying? Or sick? Why haven't you phoned them? Maybe you could have prevented this from happening.? It's all your fault. You probably wanted this to happen, being the spawn of The Devil and all. Have a think about all the things which you have said recently - I bet there are half a dozen conversations which you could have offended them in. Its not unlikely is it? Seeing as you are a self involved scumbag.
3. Work- you must be underachieving - being as you are a complete failure as a person. Maybe you are being given special dispensation for "Illness" which we all know you are faking for attention. I bet there are a plethora of unfinished tasks lurking in your in-tray. Tasks which have gone unfinished as you are completely incapable of organisation. I bet you missed a mandatory training session on Friday too? Rubbish, failure, you are. Rearrange those words, if you can figure it out, Dumb arse.
4. Your Health/Weight - have a good old worry about this. All those missed dental appointments, all those unchecked lumps and bumps. But then you only have yourself to blame, don't you. Being a smoker, and a drinker, ex drug user, you're a disgusting drain on society. ED sufferers score extra for this, especially if you have already been warned by professionals. Remember to inclue your current weight in here. You gained a pound and a half this morning, and you are too fat, far too fat. But also too thin, far too thin. All those people out there worried about you. Shouldn't you get on the phone and tell them that you gained some weight? Ease their worry? No, because you are way too ashamed of yourself. You're a bad Anorexic, a failed thin person. And you're unbelieveably selfish. You'd rather they suffer, than you, just in case they say something tactless, like "Good-you-needed-to-gain", or "surely-that's-the-point-of-recovery", or worse "It's-only-a-pound-and-a-half." So you remain silent, and hope to lose it again before anyone asks. Ooooooh You Evil!

GET PHYSICAL, PHYSICAL

When you tire of sitting in bed, there are other options. I personally favour the nearly-binge-and-purge-dance-technique. The principle being, that you know just how much better it would feel, to shove all those bad feelings down with food, and then throw them up. You just know it. And lets be honest, you are never going to get better. People like you do not get better. What's the point anyway? Whats the point in anything at all? All of sudden your entire value system has gotten very slippery, and this recovery thing seems a bit far fetched. Excitement got lost somewhere, hope seems to have gone the same way, yes, there really is little point in trying to resist. To the kitchen you go.

But try as you might, you cannot bring yourself to do it. Fear will make your heart race. Terror that you will lose control, that you won't, that you would eat and be unable to vomit, or perhaps, change your mind, and digest. You remember a promise to everyone to get better (Were you lying? It's not beyond the realms of fantasy, seeing as you are a lying bitch)

So you get trapped in the nearly-binge-purge-exercise routine. Opening the fridge door, and closing it again. Reaching outstretched fingers up to shelves and dropping them down again. Lifting up packets and replacing them. Filling up cereal bowls, and throwing the contents into the bin. Reminding yourself that you must eat something, you promised, but being afraid on the first mouthful, and throwing the contents of the dish away uneaten. Plodding up and down the stairs, to the kitchen, and back to bed again. Leave the house several times, stride to the supermarket, fill up a basket and leave it at the door. March down the road, and back to the house. Keep going until you are exhausted, wear yourself down. Then back to blame, and guilt and shame.

Fun times, huh?